"Do you know who your real parents are?"

Most adoptee's find this question upsetting.  Our "real" parents are the parents that loved us, cared for us and raised us.  They are the only parents most of us have ever known.  They are our REAL parents.  And we are a REAL family.

Our biological parents are the parents responsible for us being born.  Our adoptive parents are the parents responsible for how we were raised and function in society.

"Why are you searching for a mother and father that didn't want you?"

Most adoptee's search for their biological mother and father for a number of reason's.  It is an individual choice. As well as an individual's decision to or not to search.  I found, the number one reason why most search is due to not having the ability to prevent, monitor and know their medical history and information.  Most adoptee's do not know if their is high cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, etc in their genetic makeup.  More and more doctors are relying on this important genetic predisposition health history information to treat, diagnose, monitor and prevent illness in their patients as well as their children.  Imagine not knowing anything about your medical past.  And having to fill in MD forms for you and your children stating, "don't know, I'm adopted."

Another reason why an adoptee searches for their biological parents is what one famous person stated, "you need to know the past in order to help you in the future."----Theodore Roosevelt. For example:  If you know that playing the violin has come natural in your biological family genes. Wouldn't you cultivate such a natural gift?  Would it not make sense that the adoptive parents be aware of this genetic gift?  Therefore, as a loving Mother or Father- they would be able to recognize this gift and nuture it?  If they see the child picking up an instrument with "strings" for example and seeing that their child has a vivid interest to learn how to play?  Or any other instrument?  Or other biological genetic gifts that were passed down from generation to generation over centuries?  I am sure most parents would want to cultivate a natural gift.  I know I would.

Now that I know my possible natural nature I understand my biological family had these gifts.  I am a product of my natural nature and the environmental influences of my parents. 

For example, when I was 9 years old, my parents bought me an organ to play for Christmas.  I remember sitting at the organ and trying to teach myself how to play.  I spent many hours doing this rather than going out on a sunny day and playing at the park.  Or the fact that when I was 15, I bought myself a guitar and again taught myself how to play.  Was this a natural gift?  Was it manifested by genetic's?  Or was it due to a loving gift from my parents.  I believe that if my parents knew the facts that my biological grandfather played the drums, biological grandmother played violin, and an Uncle who was a famous musician they may have made sure I continued to strengthen and nurtured my natural nature.

Uncle Eddie played fiddle, violin, mandolin, tin whistle, piano, and accordian.  I believe, if they knew this natural ability information related to my biological heritage- in all probability- they would have "hocked" the house in order for me to get professional instruction to hopefully nuture the natural abilities that I had.   Afterall, no one in my adoptive families history had such a natural nature to music.  They thought of my talents instinctively as genetic at the time.  Yet did not know the impact that professional instruction could have bestowed upon me and my future.  Therefore, they believed it was "just a phase" I was going through at the time.  Just as they had gone through.  They believed I would eventually lose interest.  Little did we know.

Sometimes, an adoptee has a inate need to know why they act the way the do.  Where they get their abilities, their strengths, their weaknesses.  Or where they fit - in the sceme of things.  Why they deviate from the "norm" of the family?  If it be the case.  Or why they may have difficulties in one subject of study or choice of career than that of their adoptive family?  Is it genetic?  Is it the environmental influences?  I suppose it is a personal matter like searching for ones biological roots.  It is a choice.  To search or not to search.

Those were just two references of why an adoptee decides to search for their biological families.  I am sure there are millions of reason's.  Each individual searching can probably explain with great detail why they have decided to search.  Or not to search.  Most search out of fear of the unknown.  Or a feeling of unfinished business.  Or not searching because they do not want to hurt someone else's feelings.  But what about their own feeling's, is always my concern?  Needing to know the truth behind their relinquishment and adoption.  Their beginnings.  Their past.  Whether it be good, bad or ugly.  They own it.  All of it.  And must recognize that the truth doesn't define who you are.  But it sure explains a great deal about the past and hopefully their future.  Knowledge is vital and can even save a life.

All I know is that if you are adopted and you have fears about searching, there is probably a good reason for those feelings.  For me, I always feared rejection.  Which did manifest itself once I found my half siblings.  I as well wondered why the adoption agency told me that my biological mother called on several occasions about me through the years, yet I was unable to find her quite easily on the internet or in meeting's for 26 years and they didn't help us reunite?  I do not believe I was ever prepared to find her dead at the end of my search process.  Even though the information and stories that were given to me about her did not add up.  In my youth, I felt that she should find me.  Afterall, she is the one that gave me up.  And if she wanted me in her life, she would need to find me.  Not vice versa.  I was perfectly happy in my adoptive family.  As a young woman, I felt that signing a confidentiality release with the adoption agency would have been enough for her to be able to contact me, if she wished.  Little did I know that she was trying to find me as well. 

I was not aware that they never informed her of such a confidentiality release.  Even though I know now that she tried on several occasion to find me, reach out to me.  To warn me of what had befallen her and that she was dying.  And signed a release herself before her death.

I would have loved to have been able to calm her fears about me.  Before she died.  If I was given the opportunity, that is.  It may have brought peace to her in a time of agonizing sorrow and pain.

If I was only able to read her love letter to me.  She wanted contact at maturation.  She left her phone number and address in the event that I wished to reach out to her when I grew up.  But that informaiton was never granted to me.  By the adoption agency and/or my adoptive parents. 

My birthmother never moved away from the home that she grew up in for fear that I would not be able to find her, when I was ready to.  Except for a brief marriage, that is. And she returned to Elderberry Lane out of fear of losing the chance to meet me.  She feared I would never find her, if she didn't.  And if I did, and she wasn't there would I have just given up my search for her?  Little did I know that my birth mother loved me, cared about me, worried about me and lived just 20 minutes away from where I grew up. "Just over the bridge." 

My parents have as well been affected by fears and lies pertaining to me.  My adoptive mother tore up my  letter from my birth mother.  When I was about 10 years old.  She kept it in the locked box in Daddy's closet.  But she also used to hide Easter baskets, Chirstmas gifts in Daddy's closet.  And being a curious george, I would always look in his closet and find my soon to be gifts.  She feared that I would find my letter as well.  And tore it up out of fear of losing me.  She kept this truth from me, even after I stated my desires to find my biological family.  My feelings had changed, after my adoptive brothers mother found him in 1982.  They reunited, happily.  And my mother no longer feared "losing us to our biological families."  We were adults.  And wanted to know our first families.  My parents realized that they would never lose us.  They finally understood that they were our "real" parents and had nothing to fear.  But my parents feared telling me the truth about tearing up my contact letter.  My mother had lived with this lie for over 36 years.  I understand why she did what she did.  Completely.  I understand her fears and as well understand her fears of what I may have felt after learning that she tore up the only chance I had to find my biological mother alive.  For the past 36 years, she has lived with fears of the truth coming out.  Until she saw a picture of my biological mother and her address at Easter.

My biological aunt gave me a memory book.  Full of pictures of my biological family.  I shared those memories with my mother.  And my mother remembered Elderberry Lane and began to feel overwhelmed with guilt, sorrow and grief about her lie and told me the truth.

I believe that this truth helped my mother face her fears.  I believe it set her free.  And although she feels guilty about tearing the letter up.  She realized that her fears ended up in tradegy for a first mother who only wanted to meet her daughter.  She is sorry for her decision to hide the truth from me over the years.

Please remember, the truth always comes out eventually.  It is better to be honest and upfront about decisions from the past.  Then let them eat at you and possibly destroy love in the end.  Or blow up in your face.  Hurting the person's or person you were trying to protect to begin with.  Therefore, if you have the option for an open adoption now-a-days, please consider what it may mean to your child oneday.

Please, never ever tell an adoptee "you don't have a right to know."  Or, "why are you searching, don't you think this will hurt your parents?" Or, "why bother, they didn't love you enough to keep you." Or "what good will it do, it can't change anything."  Because it can.  It can help heal wounds that may have been bleeding a lifetime.

I believe the truth really does set you free.

And that's just my biological mothers side of the story.  Whose to know about my biological father's?  Or my half siblings?  I wonder.

May she rest in peace, now.  And may my adoptive mother never feel afraid of telling me the truth about anything.  I will love her unconditionally, no matter what.  She has been a good mother to me.

I believe she raised me far better than she could have ever realized. 

Forgiveness is powerful.  Love unconditional.  Whether it be an unbroken bond in pregnancy or birth.  Or an attachment that is life long and everlasting.  In life and or death. 

These words are dedicated to my mothers.  Both of them.

Please remember that an adoptee is different.  And it is important to realize that what we value in our own story, our own truth is a walk you actually have to walk in order to truly comprehend complexities of nurturing and natural nature.  Nature does not have to vs. nurture.  Not with an adoptee.  We are products of both.  That one is not a choice.

If your an adoptive parent and reading this.  Please keep an open mind and unconditional heart.  Because your child may ask you for the truth one day.  And it is my hope that you are unconditional in your choices.  What is important is to tell your adult child the truth.  Lies always come out eventually.  Whether you are alive at the time or not.

If your a biological parent and reading this.  Please keep an open mind and unconditional heart.  If your adult relinquished child reaches out to you oneday, please remember that they have probably have unanswered questions.  They may be concerned about their own children and the possibilities of genetic illness in your family history.  Or just want to look into your eyes, even once.  They may want a reunion or not.  Just as you may want a reunion or not.  What is important is to tell the truth.  You cared enough to give birth to them.  There were other choices even before Roe vs. Wade.  Most of us do not want to disrupt your lives.  We just want to understand our past.  All of it.

If you are an adult adoptee, please remember that what has been told to you may not be the truth.  Your biological mother or father may want to know if you are alive, dead, healthy, happy.  And then again, maybe not.  Your biological family maybe waiting for you to find them.  Or maybe not.  Or maybe searching themselves.  If you don't try, you will forever be a mystery.  If you are a secret, than you will probably continue to be someone's secret.  I just wonder at what cost?  All I can say is that although my path has been painful and full of sorrow, I would not have traded finding my lovely Aunt for anything!  She is my natural link.  And I can handle my siblings rejection.  It is their choice.  At least I tried to reach out to them.  And I do not regret one moment of it.  Finding Anna Marie has significantly enriched my life.  Even if finding a grave at the end of my road back to her.  It hasn't changed whose daughter I am.  It has answered some of an adult adoptee's questions of her beginnings.  It has explained what I have been missing in my life and about the decisions in life that I had no control over.   

What is important is to never discourage anyone to do anything of their hearts desire.  Some adoptee's keep these feelings secret.  Yet I have chosen to be courageous about my search and search process.  There is no more "dead horse on the dining room table" for me and my family!  And yes, there is a definition in adoption triad terms for "dead horse on the dinning room table".  Please do a browser search for it. 

You may not like what I have written here.  Or maybe you do.  Like it or not, I am my mother's child.  The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.  On either side of the spectrum. Biological and Adoptive alike.  I bonded long ago with my natural mother and I have attached to my adoptive mother for life.

I just wish I would have been able to ease my first mother's heart before her death.  About me.  It was a different world in 1962 for women than it is now. 

Therefore, please refrain from judging an adoped person without knowing and or understanding their individual path.  Everyone has an opinion about this topic.  Because it is such a personal issue.  A choice. 

Even Jesus knew who gave birth to him.  And who raised him and why.  Why shouldn't an adoptee?

And know their own puzzle.

I found some of the pieces to my puzzle.  Have you? 

Whether you find rejection or a hand to hold, I believe most of us can handle whatever the outcome, even in the event of death. 

So if you thrist for your natural nature, quench it.  But it isn't polite to tell someone how to feel about this issue.  Unless you've lived it.

Some of us are just a sponge for knowledge.  Especially when it comes to ourselves!

Is it a gamble?  You bet it is!  But it should be an individual choice to search or not to.  As well as to reunite or not to reunite. 

I believe most people in this world have loved and lost.  But what is truly wonderful is to find what is lost or missing in ones life and find again. Or in the very least know your natural nature.

What's important is to never tell someone else how to feel or hide the truth from them.  I think most us, can handle it and are old enough to make up our own minds.  And deal with whatever the outcome. 

I am no longer a child.  I am now a mother myself.  Therefore, I wish not to be treated as if I am still a child, by the law, by an adoption agency, a state, or my family and friends.

I grew up a long time ago.

I can handle it.

Therefore, unless you lived a life of wondering about your first family and wish to reach out to them or your siblings.  Please refrain from giving your opinion about feelings you have never experienced.  It is not polite.  Instead, try to understand the reason's why an individual wishes to search or not to search and respect that person for their own individual choice in this matter.

This adoptee is one who is very grateful for being able to know who her first one was.  And I am thankful for those of you who have the capacity of kindness and understanding.  Knowing who Anna Marie was and being reunited happily with her sister and family has been a blessing to my life.  Yet, I do find myself wondering about my birth father.  I do find myself wishing to know my sister's and brother's, even if they are strangers.  I cannot help it.  Strangely, I have missed them in my life for a lifetime.  If you are one of my sister's or brother's reading this, please understand that your older half-sister wishes to reach out to you and wonders if you missed her as well?

You know a feeling as if someone is missing in your life, but you can't get your finger on who it is?  For me, I believe it is you.

But please, never tell an adoptee who to miss or not to miss in their lives.  It isn't something that can be controlled easily.  It is an inate feeling of belonging or soul connection that cannot be broken.  It can only be attempted to live with or without.