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Sometimes, we have to write a Guide and/or review totally unrelated to our eBay business (and that time has come).
We're going to talk about travel to Jamaica and specifically the Whitehouse Sandals Resort a.k.a. "The Jewel of the South". If you have a weak stomach - warning - this Guide/Review may not be for you.
We left Tampa this past Friday and headed to this so-called Jewel of the South expecting what's known as the "All Inclusive" experience. Nice plane ride on Air Jamaica for the first 55 minutes however, as we neared the runway we ran into high winds, rain, lightning and it just did not look too good for a few hair raising moments, as we bumped on down the runway. We eventually came to a "skidding stop" and everyone clapped and made the sign of the cross.
We checked in at the Sandals counter at the airport and we were directed to a waiting mini-van. The driver was not too thrilled, as he only had two us to drive (less people = less tips) and of course, after a ninety minute roller coaster ride over the blue mountains of Jamaica the term "kidney puncher" came to mind.
Checked in at the front desk. Welcomed with Mimosa's and a personal greeting. Nice so far. The resort is fairly large, which means you better be willing to take a hike to your room if you're far down the food chain in "room standard" or, get a room closer to the hub of the resort, which means extra moola. When I say "moola" I mean "mega moola". Try $800.00 per night for what is called a suite with a full time Butler.
In the meantime, we had others flying in to meet us and we bristled at the thought of them flying on Air Jamiaca. No doubt, our prayers were with them once they boarded the mini-van.
The beach, rather nice. The food....gruesome as it comes (if it ever shows up). Want an all inclusive cocktail? If you're not willing to walk to get it - it ain't coming. Want chips or peanuts with that cocktail? Your Butler will direct you to the Gift Shop to buy them. Want to be woken up in the morning by non-stop calls from housekeeping to clean your room (at their convenience) you're in the right place!
By the way, the Butler gives you a cell phone to call him up and they bill this service as "beck and call" service well - if he answers his phone and it does not go to voice mail (and let's say you order a chicken sandwich) you could have left the resort (which you can't, as there's no where to go) chased down a chicken, plucked it, boiled it up and made your own chicken sandwich by the time your Butler shows up with a warm chicken sandwich (it takes hours to get food at this resort). Want lunch? Better order at 6 a.m. and you might get it before dinner.
Now, here's a novel idea...how about washing your hands before touching my food? How about washing fruits and vegetables before throwing them on a plate or better yet? How about passing out antibiotics with everything you serve at this resort so guests don't spend every waking moment in the bathroom.
Folks, I traveled through ten countries in 42 days and consumed some of the strangest food (especially in China) and I did not get sick once. Flew 90 minutes from home and visited the toilet more than the beach! But wait....this is ALL inclusive so, I guess they had to include everything including parasites and belly bugs with your consumables.
Okay, okay, maybe it was just my tummy. But wait! What do you know!!! Four out of six of us all got sick - from the time we got there - until the time we got home!
Here's the deal on the ALL Inclusive approach by Sandals....
- It's ALL inclusive if you're willing to serve yourself. No service on the beach.
- It's ALL inclusive if you don't want room service, as only those who get a Butler get Room Service with a Botulism Menu on the side.
- It's ALL inclusive if you're willing to get your own beach towels (if you can hunt them down).
- It's ALL inclusive but, don't ask for bottled water (a no-no there) as they won't give it to you at the bar or in your room unless you have a Butler and even then - the Butler has to go to your room and bring it to your dinner table.
- It's ALL inclusive if you don't mind mushroom's growing in your bathroom. No joke, the other couple had a dozen huge mushrooms growing on their bathroom celing and they refused to move them out of a room that smelled of mold.
- It's ALL inclusive when you go to the cafe and MAGGOTS are floating in your coffee cup, as no one had cleaned out the coffee machine since day one.
- It's ALL inclusive if you don't mind food, which has been re-heated (how many times) in anticipation of who wants what. However, if no one wanted it yesterday or a few days ago, they're glad to hold it over and re-heat it just for you!
Have breakfast in your suite and the Butler will tell you to clean off your breakfast table when you're done. Want fresh towels? Better bring a washer/dryer with you as you'll be hard pressed to get them.
Looking for entertainment? Okay, they have a Cabaret and if you don't mind listening to steel drums for four nights straight (ten guys - ten drums) then this is the place for you.
In fact, the people who seem to enjoy the entire resort - the most - are NOT the guests but, the people who work there! What a perfect job! They eat better food (fresh food, of course) they go to the club and dance, they drink and even get high behind the front desk!
It's an astounding place - far from being Fantasy Island or even a Diamond in the Rough.
Now, the Manager has it pretty good. He lives off property in a nice big house in the hills (you can see it from your window) and he's never around the place. In fact, not one person who's in management ever asks one simple question "how is everything?" or, "is there anything you need?". No, you will NOT be asked how was your stay however, they all show up at tip time - by the way - did I mention this was an ALL inclusive resort?
In the end, I have never been to a hotel or resort where room service is NOT offered to everyone, where the service is non-existent - where the belly bugs are plentiful - where you're treated as a guest, which no one wants. Folks, six travel agents who were there said "never again".
It's a sad day when those from the United Kingdom will spend $10,000.00 (for two) for a week and live like they're on Survivor. In fact, we did a few hours of sailing (our only escape from the resort) and someone asked if I had any "fire". I replied, yes - did someone bring the water and rice? In fact, after statying at this dive I'd gladly pay Survivor $10,000.00 to live well:-)
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