Guess what time it is again? No not school back in session ( who really counts down for that!) Its NFL time!! and nothing can be better that opening week, where expectations are high for successful teams of the year before ( Bears!) and the  lowly teams of last years misery can actually start off fresh and be tied for FIRST PLACE! ....

...Yet for only a few hours for some teams *coughs* Raiders, Cardinals, Texans *coughs*...

But what happens when your 16-0 prediction for your home team comes crashing to the earth like Tiki Barber's fumbles, and week one smacks you in the face like your spouse after repeated "uh huh's" while she tries to conversate during THE GAME!

For me watching the Bears today was as about as exciting as waiting on seeing which lie Mike Vick will tell next in another press conference. But as more beer was being consumed, I almost started to enjoy Rex Grossman getting tossed to the ground and seeing passes thrown to the invisible man downfield.

As the score went final I came to realize that I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be...and the reason is my number one of my top 2 steps in HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FAV NFL TEAM LOSS...

1. BEER! -contrary to popular belief, when your team is losing, buzzed watching is NOT drunk watching. You must consume enough so that the score on the screen is so blurry that you can't tell if thats the score of the game or just the channel number.

Finding beer is important, may I suggest that you invite a bunch of friends to come over and watch the game on your "brand new big screen tv"...but tell them they must bring beer. When they arrive on Sunday and see you sitting on your  flea market couch with your 19'' color tv that you bought on EBAY that still doesnt work properly, just look real mad,  tell them that  the big screen tv shipment has stalled and you hope to get the damn thing by next week. You possibly could milk that excuse for 3 more weeks.

Now that you have intoxicants the next step is just as important....

2. AVOID TOO MANY NON NFL FANS AROUND YOU- most of the time this is probably women, except for the superbowl when they all like to huddle around and comment how cute the commercials are! It is a scientific fact that EVERY domestic violence case has stemmed from constant nagging and non football related questioning during the game. You might have seen it on the news.....

"This just in..husband accused of slamming wife to the ground while he attemted to watch the game in his CEDRIC BENSON jersey, police have also had trouble apprehending the individual, as the suspect broke multiple tackle attempts. Sources say that this is the very first time the name BENSON on the back of a jersey was able to break a one handed tackle."

The purpose of this rule is that when your sorry team finishes the game with the big L...you may want to feel the need to complain, and to do this you need to surround yourself with fans like yourself, who can complain with you! The last thing you need is HEARING complaining from a non-nfl fan after a tough loss...but if you follow step 1. you will be able to cope with complaints on how you could have mowed the grass instead of watching your team ultimately lose anyways.

RULES AND AGREEMENTS

1.THESE ARE JUST STEPS TO COPE WITH THE LOSS..WE CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT FOLLOWING THESE STEPS WILL MAGICALLY CHANGE THE STANDINGS AND THAT THE LOSS CHANGED TO A WIN. IF THAT WAS THE CASE IM SURE THE STATE OF ARIZONA WOULD BE OVERFLOWING WITH CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHYS.

2.WE DON'T URGE OR SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ( NOT EVEN DURING THE GAME) BUT A THROWN PILLOW AT THE SPOUSE WOULD BE TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE AND HARDER TO PROVE IN THE COURT OF LAW.

3.CONSUMING ALCOHOL SHOULD ALWAYS BE DONE  SAFELY AND PROPERLY, PREFERABLY WITH A 12 OR 24 PACK. ANYTHING LESS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS AN UNFULLFILLMENT TO THIS CONTRACT AND THE KNOWLEDGE IT HAS PROVIDED AND SOMEBODY WILL BE COMING TO YOUR HOUSE UNSHAVEN AND WEARING AN OLD SCHOOL JERSEY TO MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.

4. IF YOU READ THIS AND FEEL APPAULED AND/OR OFFENDED BY ANY OF THE STATEMENTS  ABOVE YOU ARE REQUIRED TO READ MY "SENSE OF HUMOR GUIDE FOR DUMMIES" AND YOU MUST COMPLETE A 40 HOUR CLASS COURSE WHICH WILL TEACH YOU HOW YOU CAN BECOME LESS OF A ROBOT.

AND LASTLY

5. IF YOUR ATTENTION SPAN WAS MORE THAN MY DOG AND YOU DECIDED TO READ PAST THE FIRST SENTENCE...YOU ARE REQUIRED TO VOTE AT THE BOTTOM...

HAVE A GREAT DAY