My story is dedicated to all that have lost a child and have gained an Angel.

My story is also dedicated to those parents that know what it's like to sacrifice everything for their child.

I hope that everyone who reads this will remember that a child is a blessing.

 

First comes love, then comes the baby, then comes the marriage....?

 

My husband and I met in July of 2002, fell in love almost immediately and were engaged in December of 2002.  To our surprise, we found ourselves pregnant in January of 2003.  We decided to do the right thing and marry before the baby was born, which we did in March of that same year.  We couldn't be happier until.....

they found, at 14 weeks gestation, I had lost the baby.  I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions.  We had been so excited.  All we did was talk about our baby, dream about our baby, breathe about our baby. We changed our lives for this baby.  We were ready, but the baby was not.  I had what is known as a missed miscarriage, in which the body absorbs the pregnancy and acts as if it never existed.  It seemed so surreal.

 

From happiness to heartache.

 

I returned to work 5 weeks later, trying to gather my thoughts, concentrate on the future and what better things it may bring.   And it did!  In June of 2003, we found ourselves pregnant again.  It seemed so soon, but the doctor assured me it was alright, and that is why we had tried again.  I experienced some light bleeding, but it turned out to be nothing, and the proud parents to be were sent on their way.  On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in October, I began to bleed again.  I called my OBGYN who said it was probably nothing, but to go to the emergency room just to be on the safe side.  I was taken to an examination room, and told the news that no parent every wants to hear this early into their pregnancy.  "I'm sorry, but this baby is coming today".  Today? TODAY?! I was only 20 weeks pregnant, and just found out several days before, I was pregnant with a baby boy.  I was hysterical.  Here I was, 5 cm dilated, and had no warning signs.  My body didn't feel the labor, but that is what I was in.

As I was whisked away into the delivery room, my mother and husband followed closely behind.  I don't remember much due to the heavy sedation I received.  My husband said that I was so hysterical they sedated me to relax me while they proceeded to deliver the baby.   The only thing I remember from that day was asking where my husband was when I was in the delivery room.  I woke up hours later in a private room in the hospital where my family surrounded me.  The first thing I did was touch my belly....he was gone.   While most new parents would be discussing what colors to do the babies room in, my family was discussing funeral arrangements.  In New York State, 20 weeks is considered viable, although there is less that 0.5% chance of a baby surviving under 24 weeks.  Mine didn't.  Three days later my family  and I had a funeral for our son, who never had a chance.  He is buried at a cemetary in a section called "Baby Land" where he can be with the other little Angels.

 

A Mother's Sacrifice.

 

After a long grieving process, my husband and I decided to try a third time.  This time I had a procedure that was to ensure that I was going to carry the baby to term, since I had been diagnosed with an "incompetent cervix".  My doctor had only performed 15 of these, but they were all successful.  I was put on immediate bedrest and notified my work I would have to be out the entire pregnancy.  I layed around at home, reading, watching tv, it was boring, but it was for MY baby.  Being followed by several sonograms, I went in for a 17 week check up.  There we discovered we were having a....what?  The baby just wouldn't cooperate. We would have to wait until I came back in a few weeks to find out.  The suspense was killing us!

At 21 weeks, we went back to the hospital for my next sonogram.  I ran into one of the nurses, who knew me well by now who just told me a sad story about a woman who came in for a sonogram and they found that she was going into early labor.  They put her in a room immediately where she was going to remain until she had the baby, which could be days, weeks, months.  I told the friendly nurse that I was glad that it wasn't me.  I didn't think I could emotionally handle "living"  at the hospital like that.  But I assured her I would do ANYTHING for my baby, and I did.

That day, I was admitted into the hospital after they found the procedure I had was failing me, and the baby. I was IV'd, catheterized, and put in a position called Trendelenburg, named after a famous physician.  This is a position where the hospital bed is tilted so your feet are high above your head.  This was to take pressure off the cervix.  I couldn't get up, other than, you know to go to the bathroom if I had to.  Bathing, eating, reading, were all done laying down.

It had now been 2 months.  I LIVED at the hospital.  Daily exams, blood work, fetal heart monitoring this was now my home, and my life.  Every day was a waiting game.  Was she going to come today?  As much as I just wanted to go home, I didn't want my baby to come, not until she was ready. I'll never forget the day my doctor came in and said "you can go outside for a while if you'd like, you can even go take a regular shower", I was extatic!  I was now 30 weeks, the point where the doctors wanted me to be...I was then given a few privileges.

I had been living  in the hospital for 99 days when the doctor told me I could go home.  I had made it to 36 weeks and he told me that the baby and I would be fine.  I couldn't believe it, it was a dream come true.  Not only would my life be back to normal, we conquered an amazing journey.

Just one week after being released, I had my beautiful, healthy baby girl.  I had the most wonderful birth, and it was finally over, our baby was here!

 

Parenting wasn't meant to be easy.  There's always going to be bumps in our roads.

 

My daughter was only 6.7lb when she was born, tiny little thing, but precious. Just 2 weeks home, she started to drop in weight.  She would vomit uncontrollably after every meal, and I didn't know what do.  I took her to several doctors who told me it was normal that babies spit up after meals, and not to worry.  I was worried though, this was NOT normal.  I decided to switch pediatricians and took her to her current doctor, the same doctor that saw me when I was a little girl.  He was the only one that didn't make me feel like I was crazy, but being a good, concerned parent.  He diagnosed her with severe reflux and put her on medicine immediately.  He even ordered my three week old daughter at the time an Upper GI to make sure that her organs were developed properly and this wasn't something that would turn surgical.  It was a nightmare.

She turned out to be fine, and the medicine began to work, and she started gaining her weight back.  I remember back to her feeding schedule, when she was at her worst.  I would put her to bed about 8:00pm, she would wake up at 10:00pm to feed, I would have to keep her upright for about 25 min, as instructed by the doctor until her food would digest.  About 20 minutes later the vommiting would begin.  I would wash her down, change her pajamas, and she was ready to eat again.  It was a vicious, exhausting time for both of us.  My poor husband.  he worked 3rd shift at the time.  He would come home in the morning, and give up his sleep to let me sleep.  I was up pretty much all night, until the medicine really started to work, about 3 months later.

 

Over the bump, time for the hurdle.

 

As my husband and I were dealing with this severe form of reflux, and finally, my daughter was getting better, at her 4 month appointment, I mentioned to the doctor my concern about how flat the back of my daughters head was.  I was definitely a "back to sleep" mom.  I couldn't fear losing another child, and I became obsessed with only letting her sleep on her back due to the SIDS scare.  Her doctor told me that her head seemed unusually flat for that, and ordered an x-ray.  He wanted to check for something called Plagiocephaly.  This is where an infants scull fuses together prematurely. He explained to me this condition was very rare, and that he had only seen it once in his 30 years of practice. This can become fatal if not treated with major surgery.  If not treated, the baby's brain has no where to expand to and can cause mutiple disabilities such as blindness, retardation, and even death.  I was terrified.  He told me not to worry, but I did.  I've heard that one too many times.

Just hours after her x-ray the doctor called.  I told my husband to take the call because I couldn't handle if the news was unfavorable.  My husband got off the phone.  The x-ray showed that she did have this condition and that she would need major surgery.  I was devastated.  My beautiful, healthy baby girl went from my most awesome joy to such a stabbing pain in my heart, I didn't know how to deal with this.  Her doctor ordered a CT Scan so we could see exactly what we were dealing with.  I cried all the way to the Children's Hospital, I cried while at the hospital, I cried until I heard the news.  She did not  have Plagiocephaly as thought.  The CT Scan , which was crystal clear compared to the muffled x-ray showed that none of the bones were fused together.  I was elated!...but I wanted a second opinion.  Her doctor referred her to a specialist out of town, in which we travelled.

 

My baby is too young for cosmetic surgery.

 

The specialist examined her, and reviewed her files.  She was fine.  Her flattening of the head was caused by my obsessive compulsive nature of putting her on her bak to sleep.  He told me I had two options.  The first option was astounding.  He told me, that if I wasn't happy with her having a flat head, they could treat her cosmetically.  This entailed placing a custom made helmet on her head, which she would wear 23 out of the 24 hours in the day.  It would be adjusted every month to accomodate her growing skull.  WHAT?  My infant daughter who wouldn't even keep her winter hat on was going to live in a helmet?  Why, so I  could feel better about her appearance?  My daughter had no clue.  Why would I do that to her?  Why would I make her so uncomfortable just to give her a nice round head?  Her head wasn't anything but miss-shaped, the doctor assured me this was strictly cosmetic.  As I listened to this option which I found to be ridiculous, I enquired as to how long this helmet would be in place. "Oh" he said, "only until she's about 2" WHAT?  I had heard enough.  I asked for my second option.  He said, "just to give it time".  I was advised to give her lots of tummy time, rotate as she gets older, from side to side when she goes to bed, or takes naps, and keep her sitting upright to take any pressure off the back of her head.  He said in time, her head will take on a much rounder shape, and said it would be perfect about the time she was 3.

Well, I followed his advice, and I did not opt for door number one.  My daughter is now 19 months old and her head is perfectly round.  She is beautiful, healthy, active, and darn smart.  She is my miracle baby.  Nobody said that parenting was supposed to be easy.  Nobody said that we would never encounter a scare or two when it comes to our child's health. 

 

Post-Partum blues- Don't be afraid to tell someone, it could save your child's life.

 

Several months after I had my daughter I found myself to be terribly depressed.  I didn't think I was, to be honest, I didn't know what was going on with me.  I just thought considering everything that I had been through with her, I just needed time to adjust. 

I didn't say anything to my doctor until about 6 months in. I found myself becoming angry with my daughter when she would cry, or ask to be held, or was sick and would be up all night.  I remember gritting my teeth at her when she was only about 6 months old, screaming at her to stop crying. I put her back down in her crib and went to my room and sobbed.  All of these strange thoughts flooded my mind, and I was scared, for my daughter and myself.  I sought help immediately and it has changed our lives.

 

Always say "I love you"

Please, just take this small amount of advice from me.  I'm only 25, and this is my first child.  I'm not a perfect parent....I'm not a perfect person, but the one thing that I can tell you is perfect is my love for my daughter.  I just look at her and can remember the first day that I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I loved that child, and I loved my son.  I see both of them in her eyes.  And I can only tell you that the one thing I will always make sure is done right is my love for her.  Please, never take advantage of a day with your child.  Put down the phone, paper, or magazine if your child wants to be held, or show you their favorite toy.  We are all they have, and they need us, more than any of us may ever know.