First, you need a lawn.  If you don't own a lawn, don't mow any lawns.  If you do own a lawn, go grab a beer and walk out to check out the length of the grass.

  Is it too short to need mowing?  Is it too long to mow?  Are there any endangered species living in your lawn?  Is it too hot to mow?  Is it too cold to mow?  Do you even own a mower (that works)? 

There are many questions you will need to consider before you begin.  Go grab a chair, drink some beer, and ponder these and any other questions you may have.  The first thing to think about is why are you watering and fertilizing your lawn, just so you can mow it more often.  Stop doing that.  Let it turn brown, die down, problem solved for a while. 

Now look at your mower, if you still think you need to mow.  Grab another beer, check if the mower has gasoline in it.  Don't try to start it yet, as you have been drinking beer, and you shouldn't operate machinery after drinking.  Oh-oh, looks like a football game is starting in a few minutes.

Go back into the house, turn on the tube and grab another beer.  There's always tomorrow.