Black is the new black...

Please don't pay attention to the fashion magazines, if they tell you brown is the new black laugh in their faces, nothing supercedes black as the color of looking thinner.  I am sorry but if you have a pair of brown pants on, I have been known to look like a fence or a tree trunk..neither of which are too thin right?  Anyway, don't deviate from the black monochromatic look, its awesome. 

Purchase expensive shoes...

Typically I prescribe this for practically every mood but I can't begin to tell you the recuperative values of a pair of Christian Louboutin ankle booties with little pompoms on the front.  Can you tell I'm looking at them right now, I feel like I weigh 118.  HA I don't.  But anyway, good shoes make the outfit - this is a law.  You can't go back on it.  Buy your black t-shirts at Target, they are excellent there, take all that money you save and put it towards one really decadent, crazy wonderful pair of shoes.  Its a guarantee that no matter what you wear them with, you will feel hot, sexy and alive.  And wait, isn't hot, sexy and alive the polar opposite of depressed?

Keep your haircut current...

This is the most obvious thing most women ignore.  They don't look at their outgrown layers as adding width or weight to their head but thats exactly what they do.  You need to go every six weeks and get a trim.  And believe this if you are over 30, the idea that you need to have hair to your waist is insane. Sorry, but that whole "its sexy spread out on a pillow" thing is great for a 21 year old but a real person has to wash it, blow it out and keep it looking perfect and do you have time for that?  Wow, the gift of time - back in your pocket if you keep a current style at your shoulders...hmm, that's the anti-depressent right?

Remember to smile...

You know as martyrs, I mean women..we tend to forget to smile.  That's the barometer for the rest of the world and how they know how to treat us.  You smile at a stranger and they smile back, its like an unspoken greeting.  What's the deal? Why do so many women walk the streets of Los Angeles frowning or better yet, non-commital?? My favorite is the perfect Malibu blonde striding forth in her Citizens of Humanity jeans, Michael Perry boots and a cashmere sweater that I would probably die for if i didn't have two gigantic breasts on my chest.  She's pouting.  And its not even an erotic sort of Britney before Kevin kind of pout, its an honest expression of her feelings.  Ick.

Black opaque tights...

Oh my, these are the best thing ever invented, thank you Donna Karan.  Actually these are the second best thing ever invented, the first best is Dancing with the Stars, I'm sorry but I'm being honest..actually they ar ethe third best thing ever invented because in front of Dancing with the Stars is me dancing with Mark Harmon but that's another guide.  You wear a black skirt, black tights and some sexy oxfords and you have a clean line up and down to your waist.  You look hot.  Remember to smile!!!