It's easy..trust me.

Going into the hospital is easy, passing the time can be awful and I've decided to group a few of my surefire tips to get you through any length hospital stay.  Trust me (man, two words that I just don't believe anymore how about you?)

1. Bring nail polish and clean fingers and toes

The lighting is incredible, wonderfully fluoresecent and casts absolutely no shadows but never fails to drain your complexion completely of color right?  Perfect for the perfect manicure and pedicure.  When I was in getting my tumor removed, I changed my toenail polish 16 times, 4 times in one memorable day!  I recommend the Lippman Collection, she's some celeb manicurist that comes up with the coolest colors - try Rehab or Darker Side of the Moon or my new fav: Hit me with your Best shot (yes, I got the Pat Benatar haircut anticipating bad chemo in honor of this polish!)

2. Bring your portable DVD player

I got the best night nurse of all time, she came in and watched the entire season of NCIS with me on DVD.  We discussed Mark Harmon's pros and cons with great detail, right down to his impish grin and that insanely sexy gray hair (and me, not a fan of full heads of hair yet!) But I had Mel Gibson day and the not-so-memorable Daniel Day Lewis Day and then there was the day I put Pride of the Yankees on in a loop, we and the horrible blood-letter tried to memorize the speech at the end, "I'm the happiest man  man man man on the face face face of of of the earth earth earth..." My point is, movies and tv shows draw people into your room.  Hospital tv is pretty iffy, kind of like the tv service at Circus Circus in Las Vegas but minus the clever clown advertisements for the hotel.  I had to go home early my last time in because I wanted to watch the playoffs and the room didn't get cable.  I wrote a blistering letter to Bud Selig that day as you can imagine (he's the lackee commissioner of baseball, yes Bart Giamatti is turning over in his grave.)

3. Bring Tweezers and a hand mirror...

This is obscure I know but again, I have to remind you of that horrendously bright light - you can pluck your eyebrows perfectly without shadows, its amazing.  And upon close examination, I was able to pluck every whisker out of my chin (take steroids this happens, I have beard growth to rival the best of you men shut up!) and that place right over your ankle bone when you shave your legs??  This is the time to pluck that 3" long hair YOU NEVER GET! 

4. Have your friends buy you every tacky gossip magazine out there...

We had a drinking game as we read the mags (okay it was diet root beer but a girl can live vicariously through her friends when she has cancer).  Me and my body guard read the mags and every time Katie Holmes and her troll daughter Suri were pictured, we had to drink a shot (shooting rootbeer also enables you to burp the alphabet, 2 shots - 26 letters, its pretty amazing stuff).   And interestingly enough, the topic of where did Tom Cruise's sideburns go?  Well that will fascinate everyone for at least an hour. 

5. Bring the Ipod OH YEAH but if you are on machines prepare for the worst!

I downloaded all my Linken Park and Christina Aguilera on and proceeded to entertain the nurse's station with my rendition o f "Ain't no other Man"...pain meds bring out my wild side.  They were also a good audience for my third attempt at standup comedy.  I have a joke about 3somes that made them giggle.  But here's the one thing, the music makes your blood pressure go faster which can screw with the machines reading your vitals.  Keep a watch out.

I have scads more hints to help you through and some of them are for when you are on the other side of the camera, you know you are visiting the hospital or someone you love is in the house getting some work done.  Keep tuned in, I will be back!