Many women experience the terrible tragedy of miscarriage. There are no clear statistics on how many miscarriages occur within the US/world each year for many reasons. For example, many women miscarry so early in their pregnancies that they didn't realize they were pregnant. But if statistics could be found, the numbers would be staggering. Miscarriage is not something that is commonly talked about. You may have a close friend who experienced a miscarriage years ago and she may never breath a word about it. It's just not something we talk about.

But today we will.... I have had three miscarriages. My first miscarriage was my second pregnancy. I was already Mom to a beautiful almost two year old girl. I found out we were pregnant again and I couldn't have been happier. I miscarried my second child at 14 weeks of pregnancy. That was hard. I was far enough along to be enjoying my pregnancy, we had talked about names, moved my daughter out of the crib. One moment we were excited about the future, teaching my two year old to pat my tummy and say "baby", the next our baby was gone. I was in the hospital for three days, had a D&C, and when I got home nobody said a word about it again. It was the loneliest time of my life.

My third pregnancy was far from uneventful. I was scared to death that something would go wrong and I would lose that baby too. The entire nine months I walked on egg shells. And when I started having contractions at 20 weeks, I paniced - on the inside. Baby held on though and, after a scary trip to the hospital at 31 1/2 weeks where I had to have my contractions medically stopped and I stayed in ICU for 5 out of the 7 days I was there, my second daughter was born at 40 weeks gestation - and I had to be induced!

My fourth and fifth pregnancies were both miscarriages. Not nearly as much drama as before. They both happened earlier on - which made it easier in a way, but far from easy. Doctor visits confirmed both and no hospital stays or D&Cs were required. I received many lovely cards the second time around, but still no one said anything to me. The third time I was completely alone when it happened - and afterwards.

I have since gone on to have 4 more children. Two are step-children which I gained from my second marriage 5 years ago. And I have had two beautiful baby boys (healthy, with no complications whatsoever) in the past three and a half years.

So I have six children and three little angels. See, I've been there. And I want to help others who are there now, who have been there and still need to heal, or anyone who knows someone who has been there in the past or will be there in the future. It's not fun. And no one should go through it alone.

First of all, let's talk about a few things you should never say or do to a person who has suffered a miscarriage:

* Never think, "She will bring it up if she wants to talk about it." Rather than putting all of the burden of bringing up a delicate topic on the person who is suffering, take it upon yourself to do so. Now, you may be thinking, "I don't want her to start crying!" Would you rather she cry alone? Because she will. You may be thinking, "I don't want to make her uncomfortable." It is an uncomfortable situation. If she doesn't want to talk, she will tell you so. But she may be ready. She may not be ready to talk about it for another year, but you can let her know you are available when/if she needs you. At some point she will need to talk to someone about it. Don't wait for someone else to volunteer - that someone may never come along.

* Do NOT say, "Well, there was probably something wrong with the baby and it was God's way of sparing you the pain." Ok, look. There may have been something wrong with the baby. But do you think any mother, especially one that just lost their baby and all of the hopes and dreams attached to that little life, would deny a child, HER child, no matter what physical or mental ailment it may have had?

* Another no-no, "You can always try again." Sure. That's true. But don't say it when someone is in the midst of grieving. They don't want to think about the future in that respect at this point. They need to grieve first. Allow her that. Let her heal and then she will move on and think about the future.

Now that I've lectured a bit, let's talk about some things you can do or say that may help. Now, not all of these instances are right for each and every person. But if you try any or all of these ideas and show her you are doing it out of love, then it cannot be taken badly.

* Buy her a teddy bear for her baby. Yes, I know she just lost her baby, but hear me out. When I had my first miscarriage I had just received a freebie box of Similac formula in the mail and it had come with a little teddy bear about the size of my hand. When I came home from the hospital after my miscarriage I found that bear on the dining room table. I hugged it and I cried. That was my baby's first toy. I still have it. I keep it on my dresser and every once in a while I will look at it and remember. And, to me, that's not a bad thing - which I will explain later.
For a while I was ministering to women who have miscarried. I would always take them a teddy bear for their baby and it was never taken badly because I would explain something like this- "I brought this for you in case you hadn't gotten any toys for your baby yet. I know you're sad and you may not want to think about it now, but somewhere down the road you may wish that you had your baby's first toy. If you have something else you would rather keep, that's fine, I can take this back with me. But if you would like to keep it and hold onto it, I would love for you to have it. You may want to put it in a box somewhere until you're ready or display it, like I do mine. Whatever you choose is up to you."

* Let her know that she will see her baby again. This is very comforting and something I believe very strongly. Your religious beliefs may vary. Her's might as well. But if you can find a gentle way to relay this message, she could find great comfort in it. I believe when I die I will go to heaven. I believe my babies are there right now. I also believe that when I walk through the gates of heaven I will see my babies - and they will know me and I will know them. We won't have to be introduced. We will know each other. And I will finally get to hold and kiss my angels. I don't know if they will be babies, full grown, what they will look like or what I will look like, but I'll know them, and they will know me.

* Wish her a Happy Mother's Day. When Mother's Day comes around, if there is someone who has suffered a miscarriage that you have held, cried with, comforted through that hard time. Give them a gentle hug and whisper Happy Mother's Day. Let them know they aren't forgotten.

* Keep in touch. The grieving process can take days, weeks, or months. Don't let her go through it alone.

* Remember, her husband is grieving too.

This is far from an exclusive list of do-s and don'ts, but it is my hope that this information will help someone who needs it. Now, or in the future.