HOW TO WRITE THE WORST AUCTION LISTING ON EBAY

1. Confuse the bidders at every opportunity.

2. Decide what you've got to sell. But forget about it when you create your listing.
FOR EXAMPLE, when selling a sweater, forget what color it is and just make up a color instead,
and never remember to include measurements like bust size and length or fabric content for concerned allergic people.

3. Take a photo of your item, but be sure there are lots of other distracting things in the picture too.

4. Post a photo of only part of your item in your listing, so bidders have to bid sight unseen, and even
better yet, post a picture in your listing of something else entirely, out of focus. Like your dog.
OR DON'T USE ANY PHOTOS AT ALL.

5. Make sure the gallery photo you use contains an image that bears no relationship whatsoever to what you're selling.

6. Post your gallery picture so your item is pictured on its side and not upright. Better yet, take your picture
of the item with the item upside down. Even better, hide the item under the sofa and just show the sofa in the picture.
You can point to the hidden item with big yellow arrows.

7. For the auction's title, don't describe the item -- people might find it!  Never state what the item it or what size or color it is.
Keep 'em guessing.

8. For the description of your item, tell everybody you're on vacation and don't know when you'll return.
But you'll ship when you get back.

9. OR for the description of your item,
try telling them about your recent eBay purchases instead, or a bit of your life's story; for example, go into
great detail about why you are being forced to sell this wonderful thingy in the first place.  BUT NEVER SAY WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE
SELLING AND NEVER GIVE AWAY ANY DETAILS ABOUT IT. NEVER POINT OUT FLAWS.

10. DO NOT USE CORRECT ENGLISH SPELLING OR PUNCTUATION. Tell buyers to
SNED NO NEMOY until you bill them.

11. Better yet, forget the item description entirely and just take up two full pages with your Terms Of Sale, family photos,
and ads for other items in your eBay store, not in correct English remember.

12.  If you have to say what size something is, be sure to indicate only those measurements for the opposite sex of the item you're selling.
For example, when selling a sweater, women want the chest measurement underarm to underam across the back,
but men want the shoulder seam measurement along the top of the garment.

13. Overcharge outrageously for shipping. Better yet, state PICKUP ONLY with only a Puerto Rico P.O. Box for an address.

14. Run the listing lots of times, add counters every time, and never edit them so bidders can see
you're run the listing for months on end with nobody in the least bit interested in all that time.

15.  Add an appendix to your listing, several times---and make sure it has nothing to do with the listing. Adding a CHAIN LETTER
at the bottom of your listing is sure to get buyers (and eBay's) attention.

16.  Be sure to use an auction listing service that blocks buyers from successfully clicking on any of the links in your listing.

17.  Do NOT accept PayPal.  Do NOT accept Money Orders or Checks.  Tell buyers you want your money sent to you at your PO BOX address
via the US Postal service in a plain brown wrapper with NO RETURN ADDRESS and inside the envelope,
you want NO information as to what the buyer bought or what the money is for.  Keep 'em guessing!

18.  If you feel you just have to reply to a customer email inquiry about your item,
be sure to point out to the customer how their question was rude and / or stupid and how wrong they were
to ask it of you and your item in the first place.  Tell them you are trying to educate them, not be insulting, and include a little smiley face at the end.

19. If a customer asks you for measurements or some basic fact you forgot to put in, or didn't care about,
just tell them you can't measure, or don't know how to measure, or don't have a tape measure,  or are away from your desk (and your item)
and will get back to them whenever you and the item are closer together.

20. TRY TO NEVER EVER REPLY TO CUSTOMER EMAIL INQUIRIES.  Someone may actually buy something from you!

21. If somebody does buy from you, DO NOT SEND THEM AN INVOICE. If they pay you anyway, DO NOT RESPOND.
If they write you after 2 or 3 weeks asking for their stuff, reply with a sob story and say you've already shipped it, but just yesterday.
Say you shipped it Friday if they write you over a weekend.

22. When you finally do get around to shipping, DO NOT SHIP THEM WHAT THEY THINK THEY BOUGHT!!  Just ship them something
else that you don't want. And remind them there are NO returns and NO exhanges.

Good Luck!!

 

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