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Grandpa's Workshop
Just For Fun !
Amusing, thought-provoking, relaxing, informative, challenging and totally off-the-wall observations from a lifetime of curiosity !
Stop and take a 15 minute break! Trust me, nobody will miss you. See if you can remember, can relate or can imagine some of the experiences I have had over these years and decades.
1. When Grandma asks "Does this dress make me look fat?" Always tell the truth, say
"Of course not, that dress doesn't make you look fat. Your butt is what makes you look fat."
2. It is wise to always remember, never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
3. After a certain age, your body begins to work just like clockwork.
I go to the restroom at precisely 5 A.M. every morning, whether I'm up or not.
4. I thought I made a mistake once, but I made a mistake, it turned out that I didn't make one after
all.
5. I was a senior in high school, sitting in math class. A brand new school, barely a year old, and I
would be in the very first graduating class. An announcement came over the loud speaker.
Our President had been shot in Dealy Plaza in Dallas. We cried. Where were you?
6. Here's one of my favorite mathematical challenges, remember this?
Three brothers entered a hotel lobby to check in. The clerk said the room would be $30.00
Each handed the clerk a $10.00 bill, and they proceeded to their room.
Later, the clerk discovered that the room was only $25.00, so he gave the bell hop $5.00 to
return to the men. Realizing that he could not split the money equally, he returned a dollar
to each, then pocketed the other two dollars.
So, the room actually cost each brother $9.00. Three times nine equals $27.00
The bell hop kept two for himself. Where's the other dollar?
7. O.K. All you history professors, put on your thinking cap and ponder this:
The first century in the Christian era began with year one through 100, inclusively.
The second century ran from 101 through 200. With me so far?
The first millennium ran from year 1 through 1000.
The second millennium ran from 1001 through 2000.
We're currently in the third millennium, so what year would you guess it started?
So why, then, did we as a world-wide society celebrate and usher in the new millennium
at the beginning of the year 2000?
So, if I gave you change for a hundred dollar bill, would you be happy with 99?
8. Can you please tell me what year this is? I know the time, all I need to know is the year.
Are you really sure?
Those of you who read the Bible will know this story. It's found in Matthew, chapter 2.
Herod the Great wasn't thrilled with the news about the birth of a new "King", so he ordered
all newborns under the age of two to be killed. Joseph escaped with Mary and the Christ child
to Egypt, where they remained until the death of Herod. He then returned to Palestine and
settled in a town called Nazareth.
Historical documents have proven that Herod died in what we consider the equivalent of 4 B.C.
in our Gregorian calendar. Therefore, Jesus must have been alive and well prior to that time.
Could he have been born possibly as early as 6 B.C.?
On second thought, what difference does it make? Your worth is not measured in years, it's
measured in sacrifice, by the things you do for others and in the very image you portray as
you walk through this life day by day, and year by year.
9. I have some really, really good news for you if you have investments in the US economy!
This will take some imagination on your part, but you won't even need a pencil and paper.
Visualize, if you will, a simple graph. Up the left side you will notice dollar amounts. Across
the bottom, years, a hundred years actually. The dollar amounts aren't important here.
The dollars represent the New York Stock Exchange annual average. The years are 1901
thru 2000. As you visualize the ups and downs in the market, you will notice some really
down years. Look at the 1930's, World War1 and II. Wow, how bad can it get!
Look also at the up years. Here's where the good news comes. The up years outnumber the
down years, actually by quite a margin.
Now, what I need for you to do is draw an average line through all the years. What happened?
The line continually rises across the page ! That's what is important here !
The general economy in the US has consistently risen and I see no reason not to believe that
it will continue to do so. Just look at the difference in the vehicles we're driving and the homes
we're living in, compared to 50 years ago.
If you had invested $10,000.00 in American Mutual funds in 1959, 50 years ago, and reinvested
dividends without removing any of it, you would have well in excess of a million dollars now.
So, are you glad to be living in a free enterprise society? God bless the U.S.A.!
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for one day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all weekend drinking beer.
11. If you have some smart teenagers who know everything, ask them how many time zones are
in the Continental United States. When they reply four, advise them that the extreme outer
banks of the east coast are actually in the Atlantic time zone, for a total of five. If they have
already Googled it, you can still win. Alaska has it's own, making it six.
12.Is there a doctor in the house? I have a medical question.
As you get older, is it normal for one testicle to become larger than the other two?
13. Didn't I hear that clock strike FOUR when you came in the front door?
Yes, dear, it was going to strike eleven, but I stopped it so as not to wake you.
14.Some people have a sense of humor, even in death.
I saw a tombstone in a cemetery the other day and the inscription read:
" I told you I was sick !"
15. So I understand that there are people who don't believe in the creation theory, and that there
is no supreme being or force in the universe. O.K. Understood.
Also I hear that there was this giant mass of matter in the universe that exploded, and sent
planets, stars and galaxies hurtling throughout the universe, and it continues to expand.
Sounds possible. I only have a couple of simple questions. If everything has to come from
somewhere, where did that giant mass of matter come from? And also, who or what put the
emptiness of outer space there. Wouldn't you think that even emptiness would require ...Humm
16. Here we go, Bible experts. How would you respond if I told you that the Bible is not a book?
The word "Bible" translates from the Latin "Ta Biblia", which is plural. Therefore, in English
it means "The Books." The Bible is actually a library of works, from different authors, inspired
by God and gathered by man . It is by far the most cherished and protected set of books ever
by Christians worldwide.
17. While we're on the subject, here are some good questions for your next Sunday School class.
Who was not only the first but also the youngest of the Gospel writers? Mark, also known as
John Mark. Most of his writings took place in the fifties.
Why do Paul's letters appear in the order they do in the New Testament? Is it because some
were considered more important than others? No letters were more important to a Christian
community than the ones written to them, therefore, the letters appear in the Bible beginning
with the longest (Romans) to the shortest (Philemon).
18. Important fact no.1 - Grandma is always right.
So here I am, sitting at the kitchen table with my morning coffee, minding my own business.
Here comes grandma in the back door, "Car won't start. There's water in the carburetor,"
she says. "How in the world would you know that, you don't even know what a carburetor is,
no less where it is," I replied.
"I'm telling you there's water in the carburetor," she insisted.
" O.K. Fine. I'll prove it to you, where is the car?" At this she replied,
"It's in the neighbors pool!"
"Of course not, that dress doesn't make you look fat. Your butt is what makes you look fat."
2. It is wise to always remember, never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
3. After a certain age, your body begins to work just like clockwork.
I go to the restroom at precisely 5 A.M. every morning, whether I'm up or not.
4. I thought I made a mistake once, but I made a mistake, it turned out that I didn't make one after
all.
5. I was a senior in high school, sitting in math class. A brand new school, barely a year old, and I
would be in the very first graduating class. An announcement came over the loud speaker.
Our President had been shot in Dealy Plaza in Dallas. We cried. Where were you?
6. Here's one of my favorite mathematical challenges, remember this?
Three brothers entered a hotel lobby to check in. The clerk said the room would be $30.00
Each handed the clerk a $10.00 bill, and they proceeded to their room.
Later, the clerk discovered that the room was only $25.00, so he gave the bell hop $5.00 to
return to the men. Realizing that he could not split the money equally, he returned a dollar
to each, then pocketed the other two dollars.
So, the room actually cost each brother $9.00. Three times nine equals $27.00
The bell hop kept two for himself. Where's the other dollar?
7. O.K. All you history professors, put on your thinking cap and ponder this:
The first century in the Christian era began with year one through 100, inclusively.
The second century ran from 101 through 200. With me so far?
The first millennium ran from year 1 through 1000.
The second millennium ran from 1001 through 2000.
We're currently in the third millennium, so what year would you guess it started?
So why, then, did we as a world-wide society celebrate and usher in the new millennium
at the beginning of the year 2000?
So, if I gave you change for a hundred dollar bill, would you be happy with 99?
8. Can you please tell me what year this is? I know the time, all I need to know is the year.
Are you really sure?
Those of you who read the Bible will know this story. It's found in Matthew, chapter 2.
Herod the Great wasn't thrilled with the news about the birth of a new "King", so he ordered
all newborns under the age of two to be killed. Joseph escaped with Mary and the Christ child
to Egypt, where they remained until the death of Herod. He then returned to Palestine and
settled in a town called Nazareth.
Historical documents have proven that Herod died in what we consider the equivalent of 4 B.C.
in our Gregorian calendar. Therefore, Jesus must have been alive and well prior to that time.
Could he have been born possibly as early as 6 B.C.?
On second thought, what difference does it make? Your worth is not measured in years, it's
measured in sacrifice, by the things you do for others and in the very image you portray as
you walk through this life day by day, and year by year.
9. I have some really, really good news for you if you have investments in the US economy!
This will take some imagination on your part, but you won't even need a pencil and paper.
Visualize, if you will, a simple graph. Up the left side you will notice dollar amounts. Across
the bottom, years, a hundred years actually. The dollar amounts aren't important here.
The dollars represent the New York Stock Exchange annual average. The years are 1901
thru 2000. As you visualize the ups and downs in the market, you will notice some really
down years. Look at the 1930's, World War1 and II. Wow, how bad can it get!
Look also at the up years. Here's where the good news comes. The up years outnumber the
down years, actually by quite a margin.
Now, what I need for you to do is draw an average line through all the years. What happened?
The line continually rises across the page ! That's what is important here !
The general economy in the US has consistently risen and I see no reason not to believe that
it will continue to do so. Just look at the difference in the vehicles we're driving and the homes
we're living in, compared to 50 years ago.
If you had invested $10,000.00 in American Mutual funds in 1959, 50 years ago, and reinvested
dividends without removing any of it, you would have well in excess of a million dollars now.
So, are you glad to be living in a free enterprise society? God bless the U.S.A.!
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for one day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all weekend drinking beer.
11. If you have some smart teenagers who know everything, ask them how many time zones are
in the Continental United States. When they reply four, advise them that the extreme outer
banks of the east coast are actually in the Atlantic time zone, for a total of five. If they have
already Googled it, you can still win. Alaska has it's own, making it six.
12.Is there a doctor in the house? I have a medical question.
As you get older, is it normal for one testicle to become larger than the other two?
13. Didn't I hear that clock strike FOUR when you came in the front door?
Yes, dear, it was going to strike eleven, but I stopped it so as not to wake you.
14.Some people have a sense of humor, even in death.
I saw a tombstone in a cemetery the other day and the inscription read:
" I told you I was sick !"
15. So I understand that there are people who don't believe in the creation theory, and that there
is no supreme being or force in the universe. O.K. Understood.
Also I hear that there was this giant mass of matter in the universe that exploded, and sent
planets, stars and galaxies hurtling throughout the universe, and it continues to expand.
Sounds possible. I only have a couple of simple questions. If everything has to come from
somewhere, where did that giant mass of matter come from? And also, who or what put the
emptiness of outer space there. Wouldn't you think that even emptiness would require ...Humm
16. Here we go, Bible experts. How would you respond if I told you that the Bible is not a book?
The word "Bible" translates from the Latin "Ta Biblia", which is plural. Therefore, in English
it means "The Books." The Bible is actually a library of works, from different authors, inspired
by God and gathered by man . It is by far the most cherished and protected set of books ever
by Christians worldwide.
17. While we're on the subject, here are some good questions for your next Sunday School class.
Who was not only the first but also the youngest of the Gospel writers? Mark, also known as
John Mark. Most of his writings took place in the fifties.
Why do Paul's letters appear in the order they do in the New Testament? Is it because some
were considered more important than others? No letters were more important to a Christian
community than the ones written to them, therefore, the letters appear in the Bible beginning
with the longest (Romans) to the shortest (Philemon).
18. Important fact no.1 - Grandma is always right.
So here I am, sitting at the kitchen table with my morning coffee, minding my own business.
Here comes grandma in the back door, "Car won't start. There's water in the carburetor,"
she says. "How in the world would you know that, you don't even know what a carburetor is,
no less where it is," I replied.
"I'm telling you there's water in the carburetor," she insisted.
" O.K. Fine. I'll prove it to you, where is the car?" At this she replied,
"It's in the neighbors pool!"
What a wild, wonderful and wacky world we live in !
Thanks for stopping by ! If you enjoyed your break from the daily grind,
would you please check Yes below ? Thanks,
Grandpatex
Thanks for stopping by ! If you enjoyed your break from the daily grind,
would you please check Yes below ? Thanks,
Grandpatex
Guide created: 08/15/09 (updated 11/06/09)
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