You can learn a lot about finding a new mate, by
considering your own temptations about the "first meeting"
- although almost everything you are considering is wrong.

I'm here to help you.

Let's make it simple - men and women. And let's start by saying
you are a woman wanting to find a man.

And - just between you and me, let's PRETEND
you are not a spring chicken.

Typically, you'll head to the nearest nice bar, and wear your
most beautiful jewelry. Then, since you don't want to look
too easy, you'll play a bit hard to get, and when those wolves
surrond you and insist on buying you drinks, you'll drink
champaign to let them know you are high class.

Well, I can save to some gas money. Stay home.

Here's some of what wrong so far -
If you are looking for a man in a bar - you will FIND men who
go to bars and speak with strangers. Women strangers. And
that behavior will not change after (or if) you start dating.

And that beautiful jewelry. Leave it at home. Most men, even
many married men, do not know what finger a wedding ring
is supposed to go on, nor what it is supposed to look like.
So - he'll probably think you are married.

Now there's an interesting arrangement. You'll not only meet
somebody who talks to strange women, but married women.

But - let's give him credit - he knows which is your ring finger -
but jewelry is still bad. He'll assume you didn't buy it for yourself,
and therefore you have brought your dead husband with you
on your finger.

Leave it all at home. Maybe a necklace. And that champaign?
He'll quickly realize you are not going to be long-term. Although
personally, I don't want a woman who drinks beer - and actually,
doesn't have to drink at all - A champaign drinker is saying
"I'm out to take you for every dime I can get immediately, and
I don't care if I ever see you again."

The best thing to order? Instead of ordering, say "Why don't you
sit down here for a minute, because I just finished a drink and
let's talk a little. You look so interesting and I'd like to know you."

But wait - we skipped over that hard to get thing. Why not give
almost everybody the 'gift' that the Pope recommended we give
everybody: a smile. Give it away. To everybody. It's not likely
you'll have to fight people off with a stick. And if you strike them
as above or beneath them as far as compatibility - maybe they
have a friend they'll bring over.

But wait - we're in a bar. Too bad. You should have taken my
guide with you into a cafe. And coffee works. If you are very
overweight, work on that. Eat slow and stop half way through
whatever you ordered, and wal away. Stop. I'll appologize to
all those straving childen in Asia, saying I made you leave that
food on your plate.

I am partly saying to eat less to become more attractive, but also,
I want you to live longer, because wait to see what the man is
expecting of you. You'd better be in shape.

Before we get to him, let's wrap this up for now: Get outside, and
talk to people. Not the crocery store (yeah, I know, that's supposed
to be a good place to meet men who shop for food, suggesting that
they don't have a wife to shop for them. But that logic has the
romantic setting of a dress shop for him,  and therefore has not
the mood to inspire him.

If you like to read, go to the biggest bookstore you can find and
stay there smiling. Read or pretend to read. Not a library. A book
store. And maybe you like to shop - go to the hardware store, and
be ignorant. The tool store, and ask questions - not of the clerk, but
of the guy not wearing a ring.

He's in a toy store, and having fun. Add to his fun. Smile, let him
talk, smile. Say thank you. "And then ask him "can I call you if I
forget what you told me? (GOT HIM. He's wrapped aroudn your
finger with that question, and if it's a no, he's married.)

Okay guys. sorry - not ignoring you:

Guys expect to find a woman in a bar, also. And they will. But they
aren't expecting to have their relationship succeed anyway,
although they'll not say that out loud. Guys just don't know where
else to go. And so, from across the room, they'll stare at some
woman who 'forgot' to button every button, and they'll have a great
time and go home. And probably go back the next week and hope to look again, and again think they had a great time.

That's their dating method.

Here's what works: First - if you are married, stop reading. Go
home. And don't even THINK that fooling around makes you
better at home. It makes you feel guilty at first, but soon, you'll be
used to it and drift away from your real partner. Just don't do that.
Try dating your own wife as if you just met and you are trying to
win her. That's a REAL man, and a very smart one.

If you are single (or widowed or divorced), keep this in mind:
You want to tell her all about yourself, and tell her those stories
you've told five hundred times that EVERYBODY who loves you
enjoys hearing. So, she'll hear them and love you, right? Nope.
But remember what you wanted to do. Talk. And have her listen and know all about you so she'll know who you really are.

As hard ias it is to believe, my friend - that's exactly what
she wants to do.

Tell you about her. And tell you the things that she knows will
convince you she is worth chasing. So - you're thinking you'll close
the deal and take her to her place, because your place is a mess and
you'll hop on top of her and your life is complete again. Okay - you
only thought that for a fleeting second, but you know that's not
going to happen right way, I hope.

Here's the right way - because remember - she is patient and you
aren't. Talk with her (that means listen 90 percent, and talk 10%)
Then say how much fun that was for you, and get ready to leave.
Who was that detective on TV who always came back with one more question after you think he's leaving? Shabby raincoat . . .?
You know who I mean, anyway. And that's you now.

As you smile, say thanks a lot, start to really leave - come back,
and say - ". . . could we get together again sometime? This was fun
for me." She'll say "I guess, but . . . " - and walk away again saying
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to sound . . . dangerous, or something."
Smile and laugh - "but I'll come back Thursday and hope you find
time to stop in about this time."

During the week, she will talk with all her girlfriends, saying she
isn't going back. But that you, her mystery man, were nice. And her
girlfriends will tell her to go back, and she KNOWS they will tell
her to go back. And since it's the ONLY way she'll see you again,
she'll go back.

Next time, start almost over, but be darn sure you remember what
she said before - try to write down the names of her kids this time.
That's a VERY good move, because it shows her you're thinking of
seeing her agian, and maybe you're a nice family man.

This time, when you part, ask if maybe next week, you can take her
to LUNCH. Dinner is a big deal. Lunch isn't.

I know, I know, you're saying you're almost a year older and you
still haven't even kissed her. First of all, it's been two weeks. Where
were you two weeks before this? So be patient. And DO NOT
KISS HER. Do not kiss her until the fourth date. FOUR. Actually,
you'll never make it to four, but it's fun to try. I'd bet a dime that she wrestles you to the ground on date three and kisses you - but you'll
always say it was your idea and you kissed her.

How to kiss. Don't grab her. Maybe touch one arm, and slowly -
very slowly - come within a foot of her face, and then apologize
for trying. And talk a little bit more and go home.

She's probably yours next time. She'll probably an invite to dinner
at her place. She has some comfort surroundings there, and can clean up, etc. But don't YOU even THINK about closing the sale
be very grateful, but let her be your brake. If she even whispers
'stop' - STOP IMMEDIATELY! You can touch the accellerator,
but wait for that explosion in both of you and just keep going.

Don't stop then, even if you catch on fire from the stove. Finish the
job and then put out your fire and go to the hospital. If you stop, it will be a while before the two of you are over the embarrassment, but if you 'finish' you'll then have passed that akward hurdle, and
you'll both have other things to talk about and do and you'll be
intimate friends.

Try holding her hand as you cross a street. That's well regarded,
even if she pulls away.

Oh - and open doors for her. This isn't equal rights. This is
romance. Different rules.

How to open a door. You porbably thought you know. You
probably don't.

Okay, she gets in your car, you watch to see you're not closing the
door on her coat, and clase the door. Here's what's important -
no matteer how difficult, walk around the FRONT of the car and
get in your side.

When you stop, get out and again, walk around the FRONT of the
car and open her door. There are no exceptions.

Why are you doing this? Because if you walk around the BACK of
the car, she doesn't even know if you are really doing to come and
open her door. And when you do open it, she will be SHOCKED
that her door opened, and besides, she won't even know if it was
YOU who opened her door until she looks around. Do you really
want that? Protect her and don't surprise her.

We aren't done. You open the door (American car, left-side drive)
with your right hand, and then offer her your hand (left) to lift her
gently out of the car - and akward task for anybody, and expecially
in a dress. Don't look at her knees. Look into her eyes or way.
Continue to hold open the door so it doesn't close on her.

Double doors on restaurants are difficult the first few times.
I like to partly enter and hold open the first door so I canmove to
the next door and open if for her to enter first. Eventually, she'll
compliment you by just waiting at the second door for you to open
it. The first few times, she'll think it's her turn to open a door.

In the car, turn off the radio. Talk. Listen. If you MUST play the
radio, soft music. After you are married, and you are the kind of
person who wants to ignor your wife, maybe you'll still be in the
habit of listening and it's too late to change. Yeah. Right.

Oops - the "M" word. Most women are interested in getting
married. I personally have no idea why. But they do. I know, I
know, you are thinkiing if you don't marry her, she'll always be
able to walk away when she realized what a bum you are, but she
wants to tell people somebody cares enough to marry her. Again.

Before you consider marriage, there are several things you need to
get used to that willshock you.

All women are not the same. If fact, NO woman is the same as any
other woman. Where that is meant to hit you the hardest, is don't expect to find a woman, marry her, and then have her do 'women stuff' while you get back to your old life. Woman stuff is cleaning, washing the clothes, cooking your dinner, and folding your socks.

My friend, if Mary, your last wife died, your are in for a shock by
discovering after you marry Jane, that Mary, you last wife is STILL
dead. Jane is NOT Mary. And it's best to know that right away.

Aw, that's enough for now. Come back when you're swallowed all
this and we'll get to the intimate stuff and how to go about making
love, and how to really assure her and you that you are going to be
happier than you've ever been in your life. Happier, even , than you
ever deserved to be.

And I'm going to do that for you. That's what you now and from
here on should be thinking when you think "I'm going to get
lucky." You have my guidance. Lucky.