BRINGING HOME BABY, EVERYTHING A NEW MOM NEEDS TO HAVE FOR HER SELF EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

BRAND NEW NAKED PEOPLE WITHOUT SUIT CASES

There are so many things infants need that a new mom may not be prepared no matter how prepared she is.  Unfortunately in life things don't always go the way we plan.  When you plan a baby shower make sure you remember the things everyone takes for granted.  There are some obvious items like a crib,  clothes, diapers, and all kinds of cute things.  If there are several people going in on a gift I would strongly recommend you get all the non glamorous items.  Please remember that for the mom to take care of her baby she will have specific needs also even if she doesn't know what they are yet.  The things I'm going over are not pretty or cute.  My goal is to make more women and their support system aware of the messy details that all the books leave out.

Where do you start?  With all the basics but keep in mind that the baby may not be the only one in need of care.  There are items that I learned first hand would have been much better than another cute outfit.  First figure out your budget and then go from there as to how much you can provide as a shower gift.  Although not exciting, a new mom will be extremely thankful for these products later on.  Some items she may already have and in that case I would give her this list and allow her to prepare her home.

THINGS THE NEW MOM NEEDS FOR HERSELF

1. An Extra Robe, the one from the hospital if full of germs
2. Soft Ice Packs, whether they're for pain from stitches or tearing, or just for painful breasts, they will be much more pleasant then a bag of ice cubes
3. A phone that can have the ringer turned off for next to her bed
4. An assigned person to make sure the visits aren't overwhelming or preventing the mom from having time with the baby to nurse
5. If at all possible a bathroom where no one else will use the toilet, let's face it things are pretty messy after having a baby, no mom wants to have to worry about what they got blood on when they can barely stand up
6. Bedside mini-refrigerator or cooler, mom needs fluids and possibly accessible formula
7. Lots of Pillows, mom's going to be trying to figure out how to position everything and try to get comfortable
8. An intercom system or walkie talkie's (you can get these for about $30), this allows mom privacy but she can still contact someone in the home if she needs help with something
9. Motrin, Tylenol, stool softeners, sitz bath, and any prescription pain medications she might have.  Always go on the safe side and ask your doctor for a prescription, it's much better to fill a script and not need it then to need it and not have it
10. A freezer full of pre-cooked meals, paper plates, plastic silverware, disposable everything
11. The number of a lactation consultant if she chooses to breastfeed.  The time to search for one is not after she's having trouble and is emotional
12. Gift Certificates for Cleaning Services and as many take out restaurants that deliver as you can come up with
13. All important phone numbers, not just the doctor, her support system

Just focus on what is needed first and then go for wants.  New moms sometimes have so many hormones that they don't think of everything right away.  If you're thinking about helping then make sure you do.  I found out the hard way how horrible it was to be stuck in my home, having to crawl up the stairs, and calling my family that lived two hours away to ask for food.  I wish that I had been left alone more with my baby but at the same time that more people would have been thinking about me instead of their schedule.  I didn't want and wasn't up to hospital visits.  Help, but try not to be intrusive.  Pick up the vacuum instead of the baby, they'll be time for that.  Please remember that mom just spent almost a year sharing her body with this tiny person, it takes some adjustment to get used to the idea that your baby can be in a different room from you.

Although no one wants to think about what could go wrong it is imperative that the new mom has someone in their support system who is prepared to help her deal with anything that may have gone wrong. 

In this posting I will not be getting into the most personal details but just giving the information on how to be prepared to get through or more importantly help the new mom get through what ever may have happened.

• The first should be done prior to going into the hospital even if you think your doctor is writing down everything you are adamant about, write down specific details of what you will and will not allow to be done to your body and under what circumstances.  Also, when you sign into the hospital PLEASE BE CAREFUL.  I made the mistake of signing a consent for treatment that specifically said that they would need a separate form for any surgical treatment.  I should have done more by writing on the consent specifically that I would not consent to an epidural, episiotomy, or treatment by a specific doctor Under Any Circumstances.
• If you are with a practice write on the consent if there is a specific doctor that you do not want treating you no matter what.  I told my doctor that under no circumstance was Dr. Chang Yoon to deliver my baby.  She told me there was a 25% chance of him being on call and I told her that in that instance I would go to another hospital.  When I went into labor my doctor was at the hospital and promised to stay.  She left and he became my doctor.  I repeatedly told everyone that he was not to treat me and he did anyway even though I refused.  Put it in writing.
• Give everyone a copy, every nurse, the person who registers you, notate on you hospital consent that there are stipulations on attached sheet.
• Trust your instincts.  When I repeatedly called my doctor's office hysterical and complaining I was in so much pain I could not stand unassisted I was told I had post partum depression.  I called my psychiatrist who thankfully I had seen for many years and went to see him 5 days after my daughter's birth.  I asked him to admit me because if I was imagining anything that horrible I needed serious help and should be committed.  He told me that I was not suffering post partum depression, nor was I crazy, he told me that I was angry and obviously in severe pain.  He then reassured me that what happened to me was wrong no matter what the people around me were trying to convince me of and that I had a right to be angry.  Although he couldn't do more then convince me that I hadn't lost my mind, he gave me the support I needed to get through 
  
• Have a list of resources ready.  In retrospect I would have hired a Dula to protect me while in labor but I didn't.  I at least would have like to know about some of the things that I thought would come naturally such as breast feeding.  I was unable to get my baby to latch on so the hospital gave me a device to help her.  I had to rent a breast pump and go through a horrible regimen.  I tried for 6 weeks before becoming so frazzled  that I stopped.  I expected my family to be more supportive then they were.  Many people have their own opinions about child birth and this can get in the way of the objectivity.  If you don't have anyone that will listen to you no matter what (even if you disagree with what the doctor wants to do) and will back you up and fight for your right to make your own decision even under pressure then hire someone.  My husband panicked and then listened to everyone around him except me, it both my daughter's and my lives. You have the right to refuse any medical treatment that you want to and can withdraw a written consent for treatment at any time.  If medical treatment if forced on you, unless you are either not conscience, declared mentally insane, or there is a court order it is considered assault.
  
• Prior to delivery at least consult a lactation specialist in your area if you plan on breast feeding.  It may come naturally for you but it would have helped me to have real help sooner then I did.  They can tell you about various herbs that help milk production, they will only mention their has been rumor of such as it is not FDA approved.  I started that first.  I also pumped 5 minutes each side prior to nursing, then nursed, then supplement fed and when I was done I started over again.  I had a lactation consultant come to my home after 3 weeks.  She tried to help me but I couldn't hold up long term.  I even went on a medication called Reglan which is a diabetic medication for some sort of stomach problems.  It turns out there are some side effects the first is milk production even in those who haven't given birth.  This means that even ADOPTIVE MOMS CAN BREAST FEED IF THEY CHOOSE TO.  It's information that most doctors don't give you.  The other is not so good.  Unfortunately the use of Reglan can cause  severe depression.  That in combination with hormones, the stress of having a new baby, and everything else that new moms are going through can be a deadly combination.  Even though I cried all day no one around me realized how distraught I really was.  It is IMPERATIVE that the mom's support system is able to monitor her.  I knew how bad I was and it was actually the fact that no one around me realized how badly I was doing made me hold on because I knew my daughter needed me and that's the only reason I am still here.
• Have the name and number of a OB/GYN that's not in your current practice.  If I was able to get an appointment with a doctor sooner it would have been helpful but it's not something I ever thought of.
• Have the name and number of a mental health professional available if you have any history of depression.  Personally I feel it is better if you have a pre-existing relationship with this provider so that they will be able to better evaluate your condition. 
  
• Look up every doctor that may be covering for your doctor online for past problems.  I honestly believe that if I had the history of  Dr. Chang Yoon prior to giving birth my family would have prevented him from treating me.  In NYS the Office Of Professional Discipline lists all major violations doctors have been found guilty of.  The butcher that delivered my daughter was on there, due to his negligence a mother and baby died during a delivery and he got rid of medical records, he had to pay a $25,000 to the state and had to work within a practice instead of on his own.
• If you don't feel ready to leave the hospital refuse to sign.  I was bullied into signing out 36 hours after giving birth (NY mandates 48 hour minimum if there are no complications) demand the hospital administrator meet with you.  Make your case clear and relevant to why you need hospital care.  I was told the insurance company wouldn't allow me to stay even though I couldn't stand up unassisted.  Later I called the insurance company who told me that although they do like to keep the stays as short as possible that they have "never told a mother crying hysterically that they had to leave".  I was told that would be a higher liability because of the fear the mother might be physically ready but in that condition could hurt their own baby.

• BE SELFISH AND SAY NO.  Just like while you're in labor what happens is up to you it is the same when you go home.  Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings, they'll get over it.  You have been through a lot, worry about taking care of yourself and your baby.  If you don't want visitors then don't have them until you're up to it.  Be selective about who you have around as you will not be in any condition to entertain anyone.  We had an elderly neighbor who spent 10 minutes getting down the stairs of the hallway outside our condo and 20 minutes after getting home my husband told me that she was at the door.  I told him I was not seeing anyone and he told me I was being rude.  I was just about to nurse my baby and that was more important then anyone else's feeling.  If you are a friend, neighbor, or relative please be respectful.  Although this is an exciting time the first couple of days since they are tough no matter what.  Only immediate family and your closest friends should even call during this time if this is a first time mother or was a difficult birth.  Get updates through the dad or another person who can relay the mother's condition to everyone else.  There will be plenty of time for visits after and honestly it's better to be with one or two visitors instead of a roomful who will end up talking to each other since there's only one mom.