When you go out to eat you will have a wonderful time
if you follow this guide. I eat out a lot.

This will not going to be easy for you, because you have probably not considered
having a wonderful time. You have been considering eating.

And probably: how much it cost you to eat.

Forget both of those ideas, or just stay home.
Get frozen food. It's inexpensive, and good.

But going out should be fun. And here's how to have the most fun.

1) Have your server order for you. Ask him/her to serve you exactly
what they would order for themselves. NO restrictions.

And ask them to surprise you with their choice. You'll order
your own favorite drink or coffee, but the rest is their invention.

There are several dangers in this, so attempt to prevent them.
Tell your server that no matter what he/she brings,
at the end of the evening, the server will get a tip of $20.

It will not be a tip based on how much food you eat,
and if they bring you a cup of coffee and the check,
they'll turn over the table quickly and still get $20.

This way, they won't probably bring you every thing on the menu
to build up their tip.

I know what you're thinking - you'll get just that cup of coffee. It has never
happened to me, even though I plant the idea that it is acceptable.
I'd love it if it happened some time. I'd have a fun story to share.

Another danger - I now ask for "any food, but not spicy."
And no garlic and no onions - in case I meet the lady of my dreams,
I'd like to not repel her with my breath. Maybe you like spicy and maybe
you like garlic. Okay, don't restrict, but more important, don't instruct.

I'm not great with hot, spicy foods, and I worry that I HAVE to finish,
or almost finish, whatever the server brings, so they believe I loved it. No exceptions.
And if they forgot about my request on hot, tough luck for me. I finish what they
brought and thank them enthusiastically. That's the rule.

2) The first question will probably be: Would you like an appetizer?
Your answer: "would you want an appetizer, if it was you?"
They bring your salad (assuming they would have salad themselves)
and ask: "Would you like fresh pepper?"
Answer - "Would you put fresh pepper on yours? Put the same amount on mine."
Catching on?

Are you having fun yet?

As you go along, try to make it clear that you really don't care, and no matter what,
the absolute rule is: YOU CAN NOT SEND BACK THE FOOD.
"How would you like your steak cooked? Answer: "The same way you like it."

Now if it's raw, you bought a raw steak, and try it! No changing your mind.
And never never never complain. Thank the server by saying "That's the best
meal I've ever had, and thank you for choosing it." That's the rule.

There are other challenges. Bus-boys and "expediters" who bring out the food.

3) When ANYBODY approaches your table, stand, and sincerely, shake their hand.
Get up quickly, extend your hand, smile and look into their eyes while saying
hello and thank you.

Ask their name. Give them your first name. You are not a "Sir" or a "Mam" -
you are a "Joe" or "Mary" and you are a nice person.

And make it clear, you are sincerely interested in that person. Don't fake it.
Don't think you are better than the bus boy.

He's got a job, he's doing it well. And what's the bonus to you?

Think about it. He's invisible. Try to imagine a job where you are surrounded
by people who are all dressed up, and you are not noticed, or if you are seen at all,
it's with a frown and a quick look away with disgust. You are scum.

You're a family man, trying to earn a living for your children and wife, but
during your work day, you are scum. Think of the gift you give, but mostly,
think of the gift you GET. You had a chance to make one person happy.

I can't believe you need a check-list of things to say, but good ones are
"how are you today?" "Is it a busy day for you?" With the server, a good
conversation starter is "How did you get into the food service business?"

You'll be amazed at how many are going to school on their days off. If so,
a good follow up - what are you taking? And try to remember the next time you
return to the restaurant. A good next question? Is that a tough class? Do you
like it? When does your test come up? And listen and go from their answers.

Maybe they used to work at another restaurant. "Is this one closer, for you?"

You'll frighten a new server and even an experienced server, if you look like
a smart guy - and if you even are considering sending back burnt food, or
food you hate or food you can't chew - stay home. You're not good enough for
having a nice night out dining at a fancy place.

Eventually, people will come over. Certainly the server you had the last time
will stop by and say hi. Keep that going by trying to remember their name
(often on their check, if that's a help. Keep the check and look at it until you
remember the name.)

The manager will probably swing by with a stiff "how is everything" - but
stand up and shake his/her hand, and introduce yourself - and your guest,
if you brought one. And the next time - next week, next month - don't even
THINK about embarrassing that person by hoping they remember your name.
Stand, call them by name if you can remember it, and GIVE YOUR NAME.
If they don't beat you to it, GIVE YOUR FIRST NAME! Take that awkward
moment out of the situation.

But the manager is no more important than the bus boy. If you are talking
with the bus boy, the manager will have to wait. You'll smile, but you'll not
look away from the bus boy or discourage him/her from talking.

Thank the server as you leave by finding him/her as you head for the door.
Shake his/her hand and thank them for such a fine meal. Smile, smile, smile.

4) If you are somebody who pays by cash, fold the twenty so that the twenty
faces your palm. And hide it in your right hand.

That way, when you shake hands, you'll leave the 20 in the servers hand,
and when he/she looks quickly down at it as it goes into his/her pocket,
they'll see it IS the TWENTY you promised - but to you, it's a dollar.
Don't wave it around to show how generous you are. Don't embarrass
the server when you give them your tip.

I find this method a good way to handle cash tips, because I worry about
leaving $20 on the table in a crowded and busy restaurant.

I am not saying people can't be trusted, but I am saying don't tempt them
to do something they might not do.

_ _ _ _

Now let's think back - you had people smile at you and admire you,
just as you admired them.

You found out about another person, and it was fun to hear.

You sat in a nice place and people were learning to like you.

And it was a wonderful evening.

And - you didn't spend fifteen minutes making a food decision that becomes
unimportant tomorrow - and perhaps you tasted something you've never tried.

You ignored the cost, because you didn't go out to eat as cheaply as possible,
you went out to have a nice time. Making new friends is a nice time.

Just think! Somebody new cares about you!

By ignoring your food and getting up tight about the price allowed you to
look around the place and smile, have a nice conversation with your companion
if you brought one, and relaxing without a single care in the world.

No stress on selection. No stress on how much it cost. Just a nice time
with new friends. In a nice place.

Or - if it wasn't a nice place, you've decided (the next day)
to try a different place next time.

Same rules. You'll thank me. And if you can't thank me also, you are not cut out
for having a good time in a restaurant.

Be nice to the hostess, the valet, the manager, the bus boys, the servers,
and don't over-drink and make everybody think you did all this because
you were drunk.

You are a nice person. It's time we let other know it also.

Thanks for reading this. Hope you'll try it.

5) There is another caution: We are dealing with people who want to keep their jobs.
And if you find you have a server who is too worried about losing their job
because you look dangerously like somebody who will make THEM pay for
your meal out of their salary because you didn't like your food, take the pressure off the
server after you offer the above challenge. Don't destroy people with this 'game' if they
are too nervous. Order something, and maybe ask their advise about it.

6) And there are places that are MUCH too busy to play with you.
They need your order RIGHT NOW, and they are on the run.
And they don't have a second to talk
or they'll get fired.

But there's still a way to have fun with this - order the SAME THING every time you
go back, without exception, until they know what you want, and then it's the "usual" -

Don't get excited about having to eat the same thing every day. Go someplace else
when you don't want your 'regular' meal - and set up a new regular.

That way, when you decide what you feel like eating, you also have selected the
restaurant. I do this with several McDonald's and a Denny's and a few other local
nice local places. They'll probably eventually love you and it's flattering for both
you to be recognized and the server to remember and be told that  he/she has
a good memory.

Enjoy your night out. Create a fun memory - like planting a garden. You can relax,
let you mind wander through all those good times, and have the fun experience all over again.

Can you do that worrying about what to eat and how much you paid?

Stop by again. I’ll be looking for you. All ready to stand and shake your hand.