This guide should not be taken seriously by any living animal (dead animals should take it seriously), and is solely meant for a quick laugh. 

eBaying can be a tricky process, especially for beginners.  Luckily, you are fortunate to have this extremely helpful guide to make you an eBay expert.  The first thing you want to do is create an account.  I haven't done this in such a long time, so I don't remember how, so if it has become too difficult, give up right away on eBay and turn on your TV.  If it is a TV that you want to bid on, then create an account some how.  I'll wait for you to do that while I bid on porcelain figurines...

Are you back?  Excellent.  And now you are ready to bid?  Even better.  Some people use the whole eBay system as a way to get various items at a lower price than retail.  Those items were obviously stolen, and since you didn't steal them, it would be a crime not to buy them.  So once you win that new tennis racket that all the pros are using (for a measly winning bid of ten bucks) you will have to pay the seller.  There are many ways to pay the seller, and most sellers prefer PayPal, which is a great service.  But wait, you will have to create a PayPal account, so skip that because I don't want to wait for you this time.  Since you don't have PayPal, the next best option is to send cash in an envelope.  If you don't have any cash on you, then you should give the seller your credit card information, along with your social security number, and two forms of government ID.  If you don't have all that, then you should never go on a computer again, because you are practically useless to all those nice people that are sending you e-mails everyday about giving you free money or a trip to Tahiti, and you don't want to disappoint them.

Alright.  So you have won an item, and paid for it through a money order.  I would have done the credit card and social security number thing, but sending a money order works too.  Once the seller has received his or her money, your item will be sent for a third of the price you paid for on shipping and handling, and even better, the seller will most likely give you positive feedback.  Receiving feedback is the single most important thing in eBay.  Once you have a star you will feel like you own the world, and if you don't own the world, maybe you should have bid higher on it.  When you have a star, your next goal is to have it change colors.  This will take a lot of focus, so quit your job, and begin bidding on every single item you see to get more feedback.  So what if you don't want pink curtains?  You want cooler stars right?  Then bid on it.

Are you happy with all the stuff you have bought?  Fantastic.  Now you will have to leave feedback to the sellers.  Here is my suggestion: "[Seller's name] sent the package quickly and it showed up not too beaten up or with any blood stains.  A+ seller."  Give more plusses to the A+ if the seller was really good; I prefer seventeen.

Now that you have left feedback and bought everything that you have or have not desired, it is time to become a seller, and sell everything that you just bought.  It doesn't matter if you sell your stuff for less than what you bought it for, because it is still about getting more feedback for better stars.  Once you have sold everything, including your house, your computer, and the clothes on your back, you will want to buy everything again, and repeat the process until you have sold all your vital organs.  Since you sold your computer, you will have to use eBay on a public computer, like at a library.  When you are at the library, be sure to touch your eyes and face constantly as you type on the keyboard.

That's about all the advice I can give you, and trust me; it will do you well, as long as you follow this guide exactly.  And while you are at it, you might as well send me your credit card information, your social security number, and two forms of government ID.  I'd appreciate it greatly.  Thank you.